Leave Your Brain at the Entrance

It's amazing how many people forget to pack their brains when traveling. Sometimes I think maybe those security scanners have some sort of effect on intelligence! (if so I'm definitely screwed)

Of course I'm not perfect and I've had my flaws...like telling the passengers they were going to 3 different Oregon airports in one announcement, but really people some stupid things that you do never cease to surprise me. Unfortunately, a lot of these things happen on a daily basis. Let's see if you've ever made the top 10 of stupidity....

1- Apparently it is very difficult to open the lav door on an airplane. It is a challenging concept I know...turning the doorknob...who would have thought. I mean a circular doorknob, which I'm pretty sure is very widely used, is not just there for decoration people. Sometimes I like to sit in the back just so I can watch how many brainless people cannot open the bathroom door. One flight in particular I had to assist at least 3 people with opening the door...come on people!

2- Some of our aircraft have no storage areas in first class, where overhead bins usually are. I can see how this could confuse some, however, they specifically say no overhead storage! Yet every single time there is some genius who spends minutes trying to pry open a non-existent bin. It's comical really because it's basically a wall that doesn't open at all. I really find validation in this one because of its location. I love watching those super important/intelligent business execs and of course those special frequent flyers (who like to think they fly more than me) struggle with it for a minute before I point out the sign that says NO OVERHEAD STORAGE. Classic!

3- Some of the things that I've been asked for or asked to do are amazing really. I'm not sure if these people are blind and don't realize that we are in this tiny metal tube or what the deal is, but supplies are limited. (I did have a guy supply his own tabasco sauce once) Recently I had a passenger concerned about the air pressure effects on her bag of chips. She was a little nervous to open them because the bag had expanded. I had to open this passengers chips for her. Glad that one wasn't sitting in the exit row!

4- One of the biggest pet peeves of flight attendants is what you do with your trash. I do not come through the cabin multiple times with a garbage bag to collect air samples! I would really love it if you would place your empty cups and wrappers from those lovely snacks in the bag. It's hard I know, and I know that some of you get really attached to those empty cups and love to sit with them for the entire flight, but really just put them in the bag. I really hate when you put trash on your tray-table and then point to it to pick it up. Newsflash, I am not a maid and I am not your slave! Also, when you leave your garbage after landing, when I did multiple trash collections mind you, I hope and pray that your next flight is cancelled or delayed or that you sit on the tarmac for hours on a hot stinky plane! And if you really really want me to hate you and wish bad things upon you then please be sure to leave your used snotty tissues, throw up bags and banana peels in the seat back pocket. I will surely appreciate it. I also love it when you stick your gum to the seatbelt like the real mature adult you are!

5- I don't make announcements just because I like to talk on the PA. After we have landed and I tell you to remain seated with your seatbelt fastened, contrary to what you believe, I am not trying to keep you trapped on this little plane with me for a few minutes longer so we can continue to bond...trust me on that one! This little plane is still on an active taxiway with a lot of larger planes. One little wing clip and you could be in for the ride of your life. Just watch the airbus clip a regional at JFK! Unfortunately your stupidity could also cause others to be injured so please just listen to me. You can't get off this plane until I open the door anyway, so I'm not quite sure where you think you're going. I can see when you take of your seatbelt and half of it is dangling in the aisle. I can hear the clicking noise when you take it off early. Unlike you, I did not leave my brain outside of security. I once made an additional announcement about this, and this guy still didn't put it back on. After we were parked and the passengers were deplaning his wife realized where I was sitting and pointed back to me. The look on his face was classic and he knew that it was his lack of seatbelt I was referring to. I think he probably had to go check his pants as soon as they got off the plane. He apologized multiple times, and I just shook my head at him. Ohhh good times.

6- The specials...oh how I love the specials. The frequent flyers who have achieved the companies special status levels. The ones who have reached the ultimate airline supremacy. The ones who love to remind me how special they are. I really hate that. Generally the frequent flyers are great, and they have learned that treating the staff and crews respectfully is the best way to get what they want. But every once in a while you get the entitled ones. Acting entitled and better than everyone else is the best way to not get what you want. I really love when they tell me they know the rules better than I do. And my ultimate favorite is when they claim to fly more than I do...really...you really wanna go there! Recently I was following company policy and refused to give in to a certain "specials" request. She told me she filled out the surveys all the time and she was going to tell the company on me. I think she was a little shocked when I told her that was a great idea...with a smile of course!

7- Going right along with the entitled specials are those passengers who think they are the only ones traveling! On every little delay there is always the issue of missed connections, and for some reason people have this misguided belief that flight attendants have the ability to hold planes, call gates and magically help them make their ridiculous 5 minute connection that they booked. I am not freakin Harry Potter. I cannot call your gate and tell them you are on your way nor can I tell an aircraft with 200 passengers to wait 15 minutes for just you (especially if you are still in the air). Delays happen, and I assure you that you will make your destination. So when you are getting off the plane save your breath. Don't say "you need to call flight 1780 and tell them we just landed and we are on our way." Cause ya that's just not happening.

8- I am a really scary flight attendant! HAHAHAHA ya right, but the way people react when I tell them they forgot to push their bag under the seat or put their seat back up, you'd think I was walking down the aisle armed and dangerous. The reactions are classic. They get this terrified look, and nearly jump out of their seat. "Sorry, ahh so sorry!" Relax people I am not going beat you with that oversized carry on you brought onboard!

9- Bringing me right to the oversized bags. I can't even begin to place a number on how many bags I can magically fit in the smaller bins. Some people just give up too soon. I have been deemed a master of overhead bin stuffing by many passengers, but really some of those bags are ridiculous. Too many times I hear, "well it fit on the last one." Of course it did, that my friend, was an Airbus, this is a regional jet. Big difference. Your kitchen sink will not fit!

10- Finally, when I say that your carry-on items should be completely under the seat in front of you I don't mean under your feet, in your lap, to your side or behind your feet. I'm really not sure where you heard that. So please save me from crawling down the aisle pushing all of your bags under the seat. I understand that you are traveling and therefore completely brainless and helpless, but this one is simple. Let's start this flight right.

So that's just the top 10 for right now. I'm sure there will be more. Let's be honest, I kind of need you people to do some crazy stuff otherwise this blog will be boring. So here's to happy and safe travels with a little bit of stupidity!